It has been 3,532 days since my last post.
As I scroll through my old blogs and web homes, I am astounded at the amount of energy and creativity my younger self had. I turned 30 recently and my 30 year-old self looks back on the person she was with envy. For the first time in my life, I said to myself "I wish I knew then what I know now". I have entered my 30s single with tens of thousands of dollars in student loans (and no degree, mind you), struggling everyday to gather enough energy to entertain myself enough to get through the day.
I look back on my twenty year old self with such envy. Never has my desire for time travel been greater than it is now. My 20s were full of lots of tough lessons that I had never expected. I think about all the hours, days and months I wasted pining over and crying over boyfriends who did not really love me, situations I had created for myself because I did not truly know my worth at the time. All the money and time I frivolously wasted in a sad attempt to keep up with the people I wanted so desperately to be like. How could I have not understood that they didn't know what was going on either. We were all just "faking it".
There was one thing I realized had been missing all of this time. Somewhere between 2009 and 2019 I had lost my voice. My ability to speak into the universe and say whatever I needed and felt like saying. Since then I had learned to censor myself and to stay quiet while the world around me raged in this sort of fit of collective rebellion and purging. I had been afraid of offending others, singling myself out for attack, and of being baited into useless arguments which would only drain my energy. I didn't even realize what had been happening, until tonight when I looked up my old blog.
I really have to believe that it is possible to start again. Many regret I was feeling was for not keeping up on my online projects, deleting blogs, profiles and accounts which today would offer a record for me to look back on specific events and times. Really though, there is no day like today... so why not start again?
So yes, I am still out here in this world. So much has happened, so much I would like to share... but how do I accomplish this without putting all of my business on blast?
(I'll just start with now)
Like I said before, this summer I turned 30 and decided that it's time to get back to trying new things and re-discovering my self all over again. You know, like that Bridget Jones Eat Pray Love shit. Y'all, when astrologers talk about the Saturn Return and how difficult it can be, they are NOT playing! I dont even know where to start!
Back in 2017 I was introduced to a very sweet and passionate Aries man who wore his heart on his sleeve. I was a little bit crazy about him for a while even though we never really officially dated. He was always traveling but would often check in on me and circle back occasionally. Unfortunately it was all too much for me. I would go weeks, possibly months where I would not hear from him and then he would just pop up in my texts. We would go through these cycles where it seemed like we were really into each other, and then we would meet up and spend the night together, and the next day we would talk for hours while drinking coffee and smoking joints. At some point in those conversations he would make it pretty clear that he did not want a serious relationship at all. It was all so confusing for me, and I'll admit that I let myself be a little too naive. In the end the whole thing blew up in my face. One night, after hearing and expecting nothing from him for many weeks, he started casually texting me and I just burst into tears. I was so frustrated with this cycle, knowing deep down that I deserved so much better... so much more than this half-assed effort to be with me. I told him that if he didn't want to date me properly, then he should lose my number. He never responded to that message and instead blocked me on every platform.
In the months following this painful experience I made a resolution to level up and expect more out of life. I gave away my entire stash of pot and handed off all of my tools. I traded my hippie clothes for a cleaner, more upscale wardrobe. I left my barista job and started working in a cushy call center that offered great benefits, pay, and a steady schedule. For a while, things started to improve.
I'll leave off here for now, as I am quite tired. I've enjoyed writing again, and hope that I will keep it up for a while.
Good Night
As I scroll through my old blogs and web homes, I am astounded at the amount of energy and creativity my younger self had. I turned 30 recently and my 30 year-old self looks back on the person she was with envy. For the first time in my life, I said to myself "I wish I knew then what I know now". I have entered my 30s single with tens of thousands of dollars in student loans (and no degree, mind you), struggling everyday to gather enough energy to entertain myself enough to get through the day.
I look back on my twenty year old self with such envy. Never has my desire for time travel been greater than it is now. My 20s were full of lots of tough lessons that I had never expected. I think about all the hours, days and months I wasted pining over and crying over boyfriends who did not really love me, situations I had created for myself because I did not truly know my worth at the time. All the money and time I frivolously wasted in a sad attempt to keep up with the people I wanted so desperately to be like. How could I have not understood that they didn't know what was going on either. We were all just "faking it".
There was one thing I realized had been missing all of this time. Somewhere between 2009 and 2019 I had lost my voice. My ability to speak into the universe and say whatever I needed and felt like saying. Since then I had learned to censor myself and to stay quiet while the world around me raged in this sort of fit of collective rebellion and purging. I had been afraid of offending others, singling myself out for attack, and of being baited into useless arguments which would only drain my energy. I didn't even realize what had been happening, until tonight when I looked up my old blog.
I really have to believe that it is possible to start again. Many regret I was feeling was for not keeping up on my online projects, deleting blogs, profiles and accounts which today would offer a record for me to look back on specific events and times. Really though, there is no day like today... so why not start again?
So yes, I am still out here in this world. So much has happened, so much I would like to share... but how do I accomplish this without putting all of my business on blast?
(I'll just start with now)
Like I said before, this summer I turned 30 and decided that it's time to get back to trying new things and re-discovering my self all over again. You know, like that Bridget Jones Eat Pray Love shit. Y'all, when astrologers talk about the Saturn Return and how difficult it can be, they are NOT playing! I dont even know where to start!
Back in 2017 I was introduced to a very sweet and passionate Aries man who wore his heart on his sleeve. I was a little bit crazy about him for a while even though we never really officially dated. He was always traveling but would often check in on me and circle back occasionally. Unfortunately it was all too much for me. I would go weeks, possibly months where I would not hear from him and then he would just pop up in my texts. We would go through these cycles where it seemed like we were really into each other, and then we would meet up and spend the night together, and the next day we would talk for hours while drinking coffee and smoking joints. At some point in those conversations he would make it pretty clear that he did not want a serious relationship at all. It was all so confusing for me, and I'll admit that I let myself be a little too naive. In the end the whole thing blew up in my face. One night, after hearing and expecting nothing from him for many weeks, he started casually texting me and I just burst into tears. I was so frustrated with this cycle, knowing deep down that I deserved so much better... so much more than this half-assed effort to be with me. I told him that if he didn't want to date me properly, then he should lose my number. He never responded to that message and instead blocked me on every platform.
In the months following this painful experience I made a resolution to level up and expect more out of life. I gave away my entire stash of pot and handed off all of my tools. I traded my hippie clothes for a cleaner, more upscale wardrobe. I left my barista job and started working in a cushy call center that offered great benefits, pay, and a steady schedule. For a while, things started to improve.
I'll leave off here for now, as I am quite tired. I've enjoyed writing again, and hope that I will keep it up for a while.
Good Night
